SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

let me paste something from yesterday and the day before that:

3/30/08
i'm not even sure what date it is
FUCKING DRUNKAGE
MET WITH PIYA AND HER BF
funnnnn
well alchol sort of fun
and they ddin't card me!
so i look like i'm above 25?
well, anyway, its my frist time ever to come here in the barwith friedns
ilave it
pias bf was semi hitting o nme .. i think

-
not as bad as a hangover as i expected. especially because my moms breathing down my neck so i have to act as if i wasn't drunk last night.

---

there.

anyway. uhm, i really think this vacation is doing me well. away from the city, at least. i'm progressing on my outline too. although right now it kinda looks like shit. i can't wait to get the drive to START writing it.

i also dreamt about an old schoolmate last night. it was super weird. I apparently went back to school (HIGHSCHOOL) cause i missed a few classes. and when i went into a class, my hS friends were there and it was like just how it was when i was in HS. and an old schoolmate (whom i never really talked to) was extra touchy touchy and wanted to be around me all the time i thought it was kinda cute and weird at the same time. 

and i've had a few dreams that have been... uhh.. unusual too.

weird.

it must be the water

day 7
nov. 1, 2008
i'm still thinking about the other night. the night i went out.
i totally can't sleep without rehashing everything that happened... which of course is a great feat considering the fact that i wasn't drunk like that in public for a long time.  so this is what i was able to remember from that night:
1) i couldn't remember everything i said
2) pia's bf was definitely hitting on me. he had managed to semi hold pia's hand.. and mine at the same time. but i retracted once i realized (and felt) what was going on
3) i took funny pictures.
and
4) i don't remember anything a little after we changed seats to give way to the band.

actually. you know what, i don't know what i'm fussing about because in cebu, during those tiki moments, i've managed to dig my grave deeper. But see how i turned out. I still have friends, i graduated and i'm not pregnant.
Also, i've come to realize that i don't like pia's boy. not only because he's such a flirt but because he managed to make pia the GIRL in the relationship. yes. and i don't like that. also because he's arrogant.

actually #2, emil's friends also don't like pia because of the same reason. no, not because she's the girl in the relationship but because she made him not go out as much and she made him appear whipped. which they don't like.

i don't like that dude.

but hey, as long as they're she's happy, i don't care. I just don't want to see him again.. ever.

we went to mass again today (world record! 2 weeks in a row!) and it was the same priest from last week who was preaching about how we should pray for a priest in the family. the one i was rolling my eyes to.
well, guess where we sat in church? at the front row.
right where he can shower me with the holy water and exorcise the "evil" out of my apple bottom jeans. ... boots with the fur...got the whole clu-

ANYWAY, this time, he was preaching about voting yes to prop 8. It's the proposition that bans gay marriage. He was explaining how God made adam and eve, not adam and STEVE. (i laughed at that joke honestly.) How traditional marriage is between man and blahblahblahblahblah and then, out of the blue, this RANDOM GUY shouted AMEN. and no one clapped.
a couple of people said amen too, but more quietly.
for a while there it felt like i was in a protestant church.

if i was allowed to vote, i'd vote NO to prop8.

I have a gay best friend, and if he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with his lover, then so be it.

plus, i thought God loves everyone regardless..

---

i dreamt about HS again last night. it wasn't weird or anything like that, it was pretty normal. this time, i went into a class with one of my best friends and the teachers were extra nice to me.

WEIRD.

I wish people would make a big deal about voting in the philippines as they do here.

FREE STARBUCKS and KRISPY KREME WHEN YOU VOTE??

gawd. i wish.

Id vote a million times over if could.

--

well, nothing much happening around here, really. Been shopping and watching and shiz.

So technically, i'm really on track.

i need to decide on something and when i turned to friendster to read my horoscope and hopefully shed a little light on my current situation: it wasn't there!

damn.i hope they didn't delete it or anything.

Dear writer,

you need to just sit down and write.

enough excuses. you've had 2 months to do just that. and not one sentence has come out of your cranium.

if you really want to do this, you have to stop whining and just type.

motherfucker, just type.

i don't understand why filipinos kill themselves to live here.

it's totally not worth it.

-

i haven't started on my synopsis and bios.

i'm being schooled in screenwriting by a tom lazarus, in french comedy by jeunet,caro and marshall (which isn't my kind of funny) and a little later, in spanish french-canadian comedy by lauzon.

Venus Beauty Institute by Tonie Marshall apparently won 4 french academy awards. It's an alright movie. I wouldn't have sat through it if i didn't connect with the main girl.

she was self destructing and very relatable in so many ways.

it was also a love story that wasn't cheesy at all. it seemed raw.

interesting really.

im gonna go ahead and do a little experiment. i'll type my thoughts down as i think them. no editing, no trying to piece them all together. just words, phrases and things the instant i think of it.

--

carnival. standing out.

if i want to stand out, what would i need to do.IF i want to stand out.

fit in. can't be effortless. character has to be active.

i hate effortless. effortless beauty is annoying.

someone has to work hard for it.

for anything.

stand out.

standing out.

carnival carnival carnival.

leolo was a weird film.

he stood out in the family and ended up fitting in.

he was a writer.

the monologue was very deep, it was annoying. it was like sujays thesis. it seemed to try too hard.

christmas ending.

carnival christmas

i love christmas

ending: freaks in the church for christmas mass. 

start: wants to leave cause she's in a freak house. embarassed of everything. tries to run away? then what.

tired.

i want chocolate.

--

no really, i'm tired of typing raw. I wasn't looking at the screen. Yes, i'm that good in typing. i take pride in it. but yea, now you see how scattered my brain is.

i really want chocolate.

yay. today is my first day, not really REALLY happy. just wanted to get it out of the way. I know i'm gonna sound like a total douche but i am allowed. just so you know.

anyway, i was browsing through the facebook stat updates a while ago and i saw a friend awed by a certain camera spec.. let me just paste so you understand the hilarity of the situation...

--

these last 2 days have been eventful:

-officially popped my gambling cherry. lost about $6.00

-witnessed a 24000 acre fire

-took a cabby for the first time here

-i ate c h e e s e c a k e for lunch. i still haven't finished it, 12 hours later.

-officially saw a shooting star and did not wish for family or career for the first time. 

..i think, if i remember correctly i wished for him (cheescake) to be IT.

although i am hormonal, i don't think i'll deny this one.

--

i said to myself that i should revisit past and try not to avoid it. i went to the kitchen to get me a can of beer.

i ended up draining it in the sink.

God said i should be sober for this one. i have a handful of edamame. Better than nothing.

here goes...

i decided that i shall be more earth friendly.

we went to trader joe's awhile ago, everything was organic. i loved it.

i was also wearing my one earth shirt a while ago.

i should start wearing hemp.

i also discovered this record player in mom's room that belonged to auntie day. she said its 39 years old.

I WANT IT! i hope she remembers to give it to me if she doesn't want it anymore.

--

my visit of the not so distant past went well last night. it wasn't as painful as i thought it would be. not bad actually, relived fun times with friends in cebu.

My heart is in a total knot. I am excited and anxious for soooo many things. at the top of my list:

THANKSGIVING/CHRISTMAS

J'adore absolutment! I can't explain how much i am in LOOOVE with this time of the year.

GRANT

There is progress. slowly. I'm actually kind of thinking twice about that grant. should i give it to them? or give it to my company?

MANILA

11 days till we fly home. 11 DAYS!!! its been too too fast. I'm also excited to go home because i can't wait to see my nephew and siblings AND also, going home means goodbye to my braces- FINALLY.

FRIENDS

..and the coffee/ice cream dates that go with it, also the Christmas party i've been wanting to organize.

WORK

Although it means A LOT OF WORK, i can't wait to get started.

 ---

i have just confessed everything that i seem to have been feeling lately. i feel so relieved in so many ways.

went to bed at 11.

had nasty thoughts about the fire in the valley and planned an escape route and things i should stuff in my bag. I ended up planning to stuff everything and maybe squeezing in food in one of the pockets. I also planned to grab my electronics on the left hand while carting my stroller on the right.

I was so paranoid that i got up and decided to enroll my applecare plan only to find out, 30 minutes later that i had bought the auto enroll thingy and figured i'm already registered.

and now, i'm up and can't sleep.

i also checked my friendster and found out, "scofield" (i don't remember his real name) this boy i was oh so desperate to see again from cebu that i had to lie to him just so he'd add me up, had just broken up with his girlfriend. HA! they never looked good together in the first place. heeeheee

what to do.

ah. i also uploaded rhode pics in my facebook. twas nice seeing them again.

theres much more family history in this house than i thought. The spread that i've been lying on in the living room was hand made by nanay.

she crocheted it! by hand! all by herself!

and aunite day said my mom taught her how to do it cause she had nothing else to do.

8-)

--

i just kinda died a litte.

hawtness

 Brandon Flowers, have my children.

---

oh b.f., stop molesting me with those eyes.

Remember when I dove into the crowd
And I got a bloody knee under my skin, a mark from wiping out
It brings back the memories
Every bone's been broken
But my heart is still wide open

I can't stop
Don't care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
I'm going down in flames for you
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I'm addicted too

With each scar there's a map that tells a story what a souvenir of Young love's like jumping out
An airplane riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion
My heart rips me wide open

I can't stop
Don't care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
I'm going down in flames for you
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I'm addicted too

And I cover up these scars
(We'll make it we'll make it but we break it)
And I can't stop seeing stars
(lets hope not die)
Whenever you're around
Around

I can't stop
Don't care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
I'm going down in flames for you
oohhh you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I'm addicted to

I can't stop no I can’t stop
no I can't stop
Ohh I'm going out in flames
Ohh I'm going down in flames
Ohhhh
Baby you are the weapon I choose
Baby you are the weapon I choose...

-Katy perry

what the fuck is she talking about.

I'm chatting with pia. she's trying to figure out her papers and shiz. technically, in about a week she will become an illegal alien.

i've been trying to tell her to go back home FOR A WHILE for immigration purposes and so she won't be thrown in the airplane with handcuffs on. god forbid.

but this girl won't budge.. and she's talking about emil .. which i absolutely hate. 

she has to get to it so i can write in peace already.

the gardener just came and his leafblower isn't exactly quiet.

oi.

--

watched a few minutes of that Pieta thing mom and the other ladies are raving about.

Filipino TV Dialogue is EXCRUCIATING!

they need a saviour. they need me. AHAHA. ha.

Prepare your shoes
not to come back soon,
prepare your heart
not to stop too soon.
You cannot walk with us.
One step inside doesn't
mean you understand,
one step inside doesn't mean I'm yours.
In your world my feet are out of step,
my arms don't move, my hand
won't grab.
I will never read your stupid map,
so don't call me incomplete,
you are the freak.

-The Notwist

1) a sign

2) inspiration

3) money

One day we're gonna live in Paris
I promise
I'm on it
When I'm bringing in the money
I promise
I'm on it
I'm gonna take you out to club showcase
We're gonna live it up
I promise
Just hold on a little more

And every night we'll watch the stars
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us
And every night, the city lights
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us

One day we're gonna live in Paris
I promise
I'm on it
I'll find you that French boy,
You'll find me that French girl
I promise
I'm on it

So go and pack your bags
For the long haul
We're gonna lose ourselves
I promise
This time next year will be forevermore

And every night we'll watch the stars
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us
And every night, the city lights
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us

And every night we'll watch the stars
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us
And every night, the city lights
They'll be out for us
They'll be out for us

-Friendly Fire

i don't think i can make the grant deadline. no matter how much i try to finish my synopsis, my fingers just won't budge. they seem to know if i'm about to type in crap or something.

also, they are now covered with icy-blue nail polish. heeheehee

i sat through the homily today (yes, i went to church, 4th week in a row.- i even went to their novena thing last wed.) and the pinoy priest wasn't really making much sense. unbearable. The singers were divine though. LOVELY.

i miss singing like that in church

i was also thinking about rocky. i kinda had this weird sort of day dream that i ran into him somewhere here and we exchanged numbers. hmm.

ANYWAY, in an hour we'll be going off to the theaters to watch the boy in the striped pjs. hope its good.

someone forgot to read the producers handbook and released the boy in the striped pjs right before the holidays.

as expected, anything about the holocaust or the world war II will be depressing.

I (along with my mom and aunt) had to pick ourselves up and drive to in n out for junk food.

--

it was a smart play on innocence and politics and shiz but. cmon, an 8 yr old??

-

i have also learned and confirmed, over 3 times in different situations that i am indeed self centered... and possibly  needing a hard drink right about now.

monday. our flight's on sunday.

weee.

i am officially not gonna make the cinemabuhay deadline even if i wanted to.

i am about to write the last act, but alas- i am blocked. and everything suddenly seemed shallow. I'm not putting it down though, i'm just thinking of other funny ways to finish it.

i am ashamed to admit that i have only tried this magical drink 3 minutes ago.

its creamy and sweet..

and alcoholic!

hmmm. i. love.

tis the season to be.. drunky.. falalala la la la laaaaa.

-

hmmm. film school dramz again. not that i'm involved in any way though, theyre "fighting" through blog posts. ha.

i shan't be bothered. me and my cup of eggy are fine where we are!

although i aimlessly complain and laugh at the "wars" going on over blog posts and status updates, i love trying to analyze and uncover the truth without asking anyone.

after about 3 facebook visits over the day i have come to three possible stories:

1)Ryan was probably working in a shoot and pissed *someone* (probably Gladys) off (as usual)...

OR

2) Daphne and Gladys were at each others throats again and Ryan the meddler meddled (as usual) and took Daphne's side (of course)

..

Now given the history of the three involved, any interaction between them would yield to some sort of.. uhh.. well.. burnt cakes..i should say. 

so picture this, the golden couple (ick) would be ganging up on the seemingly helpless Gladys. So they fight and knowing Ryan, he would probably be telling everyone who would give him 2 seconds, everything (and probably more).

What they don't know is that Gladys has this "army" of friends behind her, in the front line: Regeene who has publicly declared that she will defend any of her friends in the time of need.. or whatever. So now theyre note-warring over in facebook so that the entire facebook world would see them air their dirty laundry.

To add insult to injury: Trox, a known enemy of Ryan commented on said note and typed: "sa lahat ng naka basa nito stand your ground kasi pag ahas yan mag palit ng mag palit man ng bagong T-shirt yan snakeskin pa rin ROCK AND ROLL!!!!! ohhh sya nga pala WALANG IWANAN....." (which i honestly did not understand...)

OR a much simpler,

3) It's Gladys vs. Regeene.

--

Yes yes, I know i should be some sort of a reporter/researcher at some gossip show. But alas, i shan't leave film writing for it.

I realized i just spent about 3 hours trying to write this entry cause cholo (my source from canada) and i have been updating each other on the pia news. if you know what i mean.

lalala

its been technically 7 days after i've admitted to myself that i'm sticking to this one person to like forever (for the mean time-jk)

i haven't changed my mind yet, which is good.

good good good.

except maybe if Brandon Flowers comes in the front door professing his undying love for me.. maybe THEN i'll change my mind.

But until that happens..i'm waiting to go home to hopefully see him.

I'm about to finish my synopsis..

it's drizzling out..

it's almost Christmas..

in 4 days, i'm gonna be in Manila..

my favorite book is turned into a movie and will be shown soon..

and although i am (as usual) confused about a certain update,

I can't ask for anything else.

bonheur absolu.

i was thinking just a while back how i haven't been really feeling things. i was coasting through the days reacting on how i thought i should be reacting.

i.e. i'm giddy because USUALLY at this time of the year, i am happy.

so right now, even though i don't FEEL it like in my heart of hearts, my heads telling me that i am.

basically, i'm numb.

... until a while back when i was playing christmas songs and the sun shone..BRIGHT. insanely bright.

The clouds did not just clear up, the entire sky was bright. like it was summer and the entire house just brightened up. like i-had-to-grab-my-shades kind of bright.

and i felt happy. i did. genuinely.

insane a little bit.

I am aware that this entry doesn't read right and it probably never will..

i'm such at a loss for words.

-- after a nice hot shower...

found out my late uncle left his home to join the circus...

how amazing is that.

the spirit of my dead uncle must have helped me.

I am done with my synopsis. yes, it needs a lot of polishing but it's there, structure and story-wise.

iyeehehhheeeeey.

and in 2 hours its thanksgiving and i'm gonna drown myself in thanksgiving food and wine. :D