SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

so i DID forget that i added him.

imagine my surprise when i read in my email that, "jose is now your friend in friendster!"

ay naku.

last night was maxine's 18th. it was okay.

her friends looked effin young.

ANYWAY, i was offended at first when one of the upper batch guys said that i should go for a swim and see if his "fantasies were true" about me getting wet.

that was sick. and un called for.

but then i realized he was kidding and continued to tease me to "fulfill a filmmakers fantasy"

i seriously dont know how i feel about that.

im a pretty nice person- even when i have my period.

but today (or more appropriately, yesterday) i let my moodiness get the best of me. to someone who didn't do anything but to cheer me up.

i feel a little guilty.

note: little.

urgh.

whatever. i don't fucking care.

ff # n 

i woke up without you beside me today. your blanket was folded neatly, your pillows, arranged. all your things, gone.

imagine my disappointment.

you told me this was different, that i was different.

its too late now, i know you know.

it wasn't his fault. he caught me when you threw me over.

i held tight.

waking up without you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

in class.

don't have a script.

i mean, i had one.

i don't like it now.

-

i told someone our story. what really happened or what i thought happened.

it was fine. i missed him a little bit.

so its not really a secret anymore. its out in the open.. at least to a third party person who wasn't involved in any way. it was cute, revisiting the not so distant past.

ANYWAY, on to another issue.. okay,here's the scenario:

there's sexual tension between you and this particular person which will be known as person1. you both know its there, but no one acts on it. its cute, and exciting actually. keeps you on your feet. and then this third person comes in (friend of said "person1" and he confides to person1 that he's (person3) interested in you. being a good friend, #1 totally backs down and sexual tension is lost because he's all busy trying to hook you and #3 up.

but #3 is just a friend.

fuck.

well. 30 minutes till vday is over.

it was uneventful. i mean, i was working.

plus bloody.. and hormonal.

bleh.

carbo loading.

ditched intern work- which i know will probably bite me in the ass soon enough.. but i need this

i need to hibernate and hide in my room with the junk food and scrubs.

i <3 mcdees

it has got to be the hormones. i mean, i usually can stop it in a heartbeat.

how come i can't now...

now, when i need to.

now when i have to.

 

Good thing i'm leaving first thing tomorrow. i need to get out of here.

was too sleepy to write earlier but something did happen. and im glad that was all over. 

I really dont. its not like i led him on or anything. It's not like i gave him special preference.. right? i didnt. i was even mean to him most of the time.

you know who i was giving special preference to? kev. that's who. not him.

seriously.

i don't owe anyone anything.

plus its not like i shoot him down and the next day, im making out with someone else, you know?

haaay.. ano beeeeh.

actually, its funny how i know what i'm exactly feeling.

---

ANYWAY, on to a subplot that branched out of this mess..

talk about cock block. He's totally cramping up my style. He told both my prospects.. and now, i'm technically off limits. Not unless these prospects of mine are willing to go underground... which i totally am, if you know what i mean.

but if they're not, i'm gonna have to work extra hard.

fuck.

 

 

 

 

i couldn't stop singing "love song" i dunno why. so i downloaded it.

yes, totally relatable lyrics.

i need to write soon..  but before that, let me get this off my mind first...

sas asked me what my type was. I couldn't answer her. I was silent for quite a long time until I finally blurted out, "I'm attracted to who I can't have, i love the chase."

I think i like proving myself wrong.

i was also thinking of all the guys i had feelings for. they were oozing with charisma that i just can't resist being around them.

charm and chase.

you have no idea how true that is.

--

i pretend you read this and actually care.

 

so i'm not. I can't force it, its not like i have anything to force out of my fingers. you know.

BUT ihave to write. soon.

before 12nn tomorrow.

because that's what i am. totally void of all known emotions.

seriously. i feel uninspired and lazy and worthless.

im half thinking of staying here until the weekend.

had a reading...

very very interesting...

i have to know what I want.. and i have to focus on my career, and i'm a head over heart kinda girl, not that i don't know that already.

uhm.. what else, for some strange reason, the tarot lady knew about the 2 other guys. note: TWO.

uhmm.. she said i have to work hard for best thesis because its mine. (just because it's mine doesn't mean theyre gonna hand it to me)

and... she said i have to be enthusiastic about things.

im gonna marry at age 24, ill be in a serious relationship soon - if i want to.

my family and friends will be successful.

but all in all it really boiled down to what i really wanted and everything is savvy once i figure that out.

right-o.

i did stay. i will stay. until monday.

i just can't go back yet.

title irrelevant.

lalala. i'm feeling much much better. My script is coming along and i'm relaxed.. and that's good.

damn it, i feel guilty. I mean, i know i shouldn't. or.. maybe i should.

But it really is for the best.. that i was finally really really mean to him that it might have been the last straw.

its for the best that hes angry with me.

good.

watched juno. standing ovation with slow clap, head shake and lip bite.

drank with ate. heeeeheeeeheeeehee

was tipsaaaaaay

going back tomorrow.

goodluck to me

blahblahblah. i really should be packing. or finishing up at least. i ended up bringing more back. I have like a box of food (junk, yum.) and a bag load of shoes and clothes. hmmm

-

OKAY! i know i'm supposed to be 'changing'.. or TRYING at the very least. i am trying. yknow.. really. REALLY. It's not like my extra 3 days of stay here was in vain. i was able to write my script. and... yea.. unwind a bit more.

you can't change that fast okay.

commercial: ate lunch at that quaint little place, cafe juanita. i love it loads.

hohummmity i don't know why i keep running away either. i don't know why i can't stay put when somethings going on. does that make me a coward? i guess so, yea? frick. just when i thought i was already brave.

ohwell. i hope against all hope that i dont have to go back to a complete mess.  

baby steps.

here.

AWKWARD! but its fine. its fine.. baby steps.

well. i'm fine. he's not.

i dont really care now.