SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

a little mouse goes after my leftover cakes.

only problem is, i go back for my leftovers and find her there

once i find her there, i lose interest and go on to the next.

a lot of times, the mouse just goes after my cakes WHILE i'm deciding to eat it.

yes, i am selfish like that.

sometimes i just want to step on her and squish her to death.

 

oh yea, im still waiting for that sudden outburst of emotion

was it the last straw? i wonder

i haven't felt this way in a long time.

i'm totally not pms-ing. no, not this week. if anything, i'm completely sober and calm.

i didn't even feel like this when my cheescake left.

i hate pda. the most pda you'll get out of me is a 3 second hug.

i am emotional, romantic and cheesy in the subtlest way possible and i do not show it.

i WILL choose my friends/family. no matter what.

i talk only when spoken to.

you keep up, i will not wait for you.

self-preservation. conceited. vain. call it whatever, i look out for myself.

i am most of the time polite, don't mistake it for special attention.

i'm very laid-back it's not even funny.

i just learned how to take compliments well.

i have a way of saying things like they're a fact.

i get bored easily.

i enjoy spontenaeity but when it comes to work, i'd like to prepare down to the littlest detail.

no, its not me. it's you. it's always you.

 

 

 

hooohummity.

"we breakourselves down

and build ourselves up with disappointment

how fragile we are, how fragile we are we just don't show it

we'll shake up this town

and shoot down the stars for our enjoyment."

-gymclassheroes

 

i miss jose's presence around here. i mean, i don't necessarily miss him him.. its not like we spent a lot of time together. i miss his presence. i miss knowing he's just there.

i can say this straight now, no more metaphors and speaking in codes. i thought we were getting along well, i mean. we were getting along well, it just wasn't stated what was happening. or what didn't happen, or what happened. whatever. you get it, right?

here's the down low: i thought something was happening, i mean whenever we were together (sober or not) we were together-physically. there were some smart conversations thrown around, some stupid ones, whatever it was, even a cavewoman knows it was a completely different level above a platonic relationship.

i don't know what happened, it just went away.

that and another party..

for the both of us. 

would i have done anything differently? maybe. maybe i would have laid all the shit down the table. and maybe i wouldn't have acted like i wasn't interested, when i was.

it was his fault as much as it was mine.

do i regret anything? only that. that i acted like i was bored, when i wasn't.

am i saying that i like him still? definitely not. i mean, me doing this just confirms that i am finally okay with talking about it. i'm finally okay about everything.  

i may have lost the ability to cry.

i don't need to, i'm just watching the holiday. cameron diaz' character couldn't cry. reminded me of me.

my body clock is way off track. took a nap at around 9, woke up at 11:30. can't sleep. shooting at the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea. i already took my midnight snack, drank a glass of cold milk.

grar.

i want to cry. for my friend. we found out she couldn't have a baby. and she's been trying and trying. and all i could do was reaffirm that she had always wanted to adopt.

fuck! couldn't cry.

the vs aren't working. its already 2 am, i have a class in 7 hours and i can't sleep. damn it.

a reminder that i'm gonna write something very specific for specific people that are here right now.

went to the beach with a bunch of friends. okay. they forced me into the water. got a battle scar to prove it. it hurts. kind buzzed too. bleh bleh. okay night. not superb, just okay.

i hate hangovers

..peculiar season.

everything seems to happen so fast, i don't have time to internalize. yknow? i mean i'm there all active and shit, but when it's over. it's over. no more dwelling over things.

good? i don't know.

It's really like someone has pushed my fast forward button.  

the moment i stepped out of the plane and into manila soil, i felt everything change.

a tall bald guy wearing basketball shorts and oversized t-shirt with sneakers walks past me. and IMMEDIATELY, immediately i turn and see if he's hot.

fuck.

here i go again? 

susubukan ko ulit mag blog sa tagalog. muka kasing mas personal. hindi ba?

hmm. marami akong pwedeng pag usapan. isa na doon etong paskong nakaraan. feeling ko naman ang tagal tagal na, pitong minuto pa lang ang nakalilipas.

hmmm... wala naman masyadong nangyari. nag simba kami, kumain, nag lasing ng onti, nag bukas ng regalo, kumain muli at natulog. wala namang makabulughang nangyari sa pamamayhay ng mga cortez.

ah! tunkgol sa nakalipas kong blog. natatawa ako sa aking sarili. pakiramdam ko palagi meron akong pinopormahan, kahit wala. hindi ko nga maintindihan yung sarili ko, parang ang landi landi ko. haha

ewan ko ba. parang wala ng matinong lalaki dito sa manila. kahit sa cebu. itutugon ko na lang ang aking pansin sa pelikula, palagay ko mas maigi pa yun.

putangina, ang hirap pala mag type ng tagalog.  

i won't even attempt to write in tagalog anymore. its so difficult to move my fingers around the keyboard.

ANYWAY, its so funny really how everything works out.. i was browsing through an old classmates (specifically the new flame of my ex-highschool flame) site, and found out that they're only recreating their parents' love story! oh joy. oh rapture! good luck. anyway, in the process, i saw that she posted very detailed poorly written horoscope things and so i read on. 

my ny cheescake is really really proud on the inside. like proud in ways that i can't imagine.. possibly the reason why he moved on that quick because i was making him wait and waiting is not in his vocab plus it's bad for his very proud self... and then there was me, the one who keeps breaking the mold. nyehehehe hehehe hehe he he he...

 

sooo... i need to be IN character to be able to write an amazing character.

not tough in theory... but of course.. my story is about a lady who is cheating with her husband who is also cheating on her.

talk about heartbroken..

but not really.

i need an arc somehow.  

bought falsies. tried them on for the first time. hahaha

totally rocking. i looooobe it =D 

di na naman ako mapakali. parang pinainom ako ng limang baso ng kape. leche. leche talaga. di na naman ako makatulog. alas kwatro na ng umaga. nag iimpake na si daddy at kuya frank para sa road trip namin papuntang baguio.

tangina naman.

kailan mo ba ko patutulugin?! 

okay. ang malupit pa dito, ilang linggo na ko ganito at hindi ko alam kung bakit.

putangina talaga.

tumataba na nga ako, wala na kong pera, di pa ko makatulog!

leche

 

right.

cranky, yes.

i wish i was restless because i was excited for something... like in highschool. the night before fair, or a big program or whatever event, i couldn't sleep right. I'd hope against hope that a crush of mine would finally come to his senses and ask me to marry him.. or some big gesture like that. But then of course it won't happen the day of. 

i wish i was restless because of some silly dream like that.

but i'm not.. and i know it.

my body clock is just fucked up and i guess the pressure of writing a great ass thesis is getting to me.