SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

the clock is still ticking and it felt like i was talking to a wall. it was my crisis moment, my last hoorah before he goes away.

he just absorbed it.

that's why i'm so frustrated.

it was so funny yesterday sas and i were both bitching about our own issues the entire day. they were 2 different situations but the premises were the same.

they spent time together, she realizes the feelings were one way and now she's beating herself up for it.

2 different guys, 2 different girls, 2 different cities. but we both ended up upset.

 

ill see you around i guess.  

my ipod crashed. NOOOOOOOOOo!!!!!!!!!!!! it was nearing its 1000th song! MOTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAAAA

 

our friends left. =(

it really is sad. its gonna be so different. and to make things worse, it feels completely lonely around here.

He's probably on the plane too. or in manila already. or whatnot.

i dunno why i'm so upset, i mean i'll be in manila soon too. i guess its because i know i'll never see him again. i know its a "small world" especially in this industry. i just wish there was closure.

for me.

my flight got pushed up, i can't wait to go home and not be here. i feel like curling up and crying.

okay. previous entry, too emotional. i realized that i have the wrong filter in my head yet again. too pretentious. its impossible he looks at me that way. its impossible he looked at me that way.

its raining. i turned off my a/c and let the cold breeze come in. i forgot how i love the rain.

its a saturday, my homework is coming along. its almost christmas, i'm watching my most favorite series, my fridge is stocked up...

now please someone tell me why i'm being upset.

i mean, yes, i have let the love of my life slip right through my fingers but..

but nothing.

its still on me, i still feel sad about it. But i'm done wallowing.  

its a saturday, its rainy and it's almost christmas..

ill be okay

i have to rewrite my ending. instead of it being depressed and dark, they want closure. like he really stood her up to go do something else greater for her.

i agree with that change, it might even be for the better. only problem is that i can't write that right now.

how can you expect a cynical writer who just very recently came from wallowing and has not been able to come up for air yet to write a warmfuzzy?

HOW? tell me please because this task seems impossible.

did the ending.

its okay. i still think its too cheesy.

you know me and my on going love-hate relationship with it.

i just finished marathon-ing season 4 of one tree hill. i absolutely love it.

i absolutely love nathan. always and forever.

nyaaahahhahahhahahaha. kidding. about the always and forever part.

i do love nathan.

always

and..

fore- ...i wonder how my ny cheescake is doing.

mothafucka bitch is at it again.

translation: i'm at it again.

I CAN'T BE. nonononono

someone else is directing and lighting my script.

it was a concious decision made by yours truly.

i don't know if that was right though. handing my baby over for possible homicide.

i trust the director. i just don't know if she knows my vision.

no matter what, it is a learning experience for me.

please please please dear God, don't let her murder it.

this feels all too familiar.

its almost pitching. i don't have a final script yet and i'm blocked.

=(

well, i decided to pull out my script.

id rather not pitch it at all than have it murdered. really.

i love it too much.

ANYWAY, im routing for 2 others which i'm co-writing/producing/designing.

im good with that. =D

my baby is safe.

drunk.

don't have to write. just drank for the sake of.

turtle pie has a smelly cat and vice versa. HAHAHAHA

maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder.

maybe i miss him.

maybe i didn't want him to leave.

maybe i really had genuine feelings for him.

and maybe i still do.

i just basically poured out my soul about saying your real feelings to other people.

i just erased it accidentally.

anyway, i was saying how i told someone that i still had feelings for him without speaking a word. talk about subtext at its best.

its a very simple gesture that i hope no one else notices. ive been doing it to my prospects.

yes, to both my cakes. more so to the turtle pie than the cheescake but i hope to have another chance to do it to him.

although i doubt it, he's long gone and his heart belongs to someone else. i just confirmed it a while ago. it doesn't really hurt as much as it should. i don't know why.

bleh. i'm going to manila tomorrow afternoon, i can't wait to see my piggy nephew.

back back for the weekend. i lobe it.

i might be missing him more than i should.  

you know what? screw the cheescake.

i'll see him when i see him.

no romantic feelings necessary.

you look like coco martin. that dude in masahista. i watched it all the way through, finally. its actually fucking brilliant. no pun intended. after watching, it felt like the story has gone full circle. story plot i'm not so sure. but storytelling? FUCKING BRILLIANT! amazing. amazing.

anyway, yes. you look like coco martin.

i was correct. wet lindsay situation for my turtle pie.

oh-kay.

its just about to start getting crazy.

 

--

last night i dreamt of jc taruc, we were in ny and we liked each other- a lot. it was weird cause the last time i saw jc, we were in grade school. and the last time i checked on any of his sites was like, 2 weeks ago cause i found out that he lomo-ed too. i dunno.

do i unconciously like him? haha my dreams apparently do, cause that was my first remembered dream in a long time. :p 

came from tiki and before that, jamie's shoot. hohum. it was okay, was with friends. uhh what else. nothing special really. drank drank and drank. not drunk though.

i don't wish he was there. cheeskcake and turtle pie. i couldn't care less.

i have decided that i will focus on film. yes yes.

no distractions, like the first term. i was very focused.

see and now you wonder why im such a man hater (sort of).

ugh.

shooting was cancelled. and so i am hibernating in the room.

l-o-v-e the rain. i absolutely do. lalala

i'm gonna have to work though, after lunch. i mean, get out of my room at least. ahha

ended up not doing anything at all.

yes, i left the room- but to buy a dvd and hot chocolate for the cold rainy day.

bleh, i promise to start working tomorrow.

i promise.

i wonder if i have time to reset.

i'm getting so fat.

--

i have a lot of things to say, about a lot of different things. i have no idea where to start.

--

i need you to be the one to tell me to stick it out, sometimes i can't look to myself anymore and fix it. sometimes i need for someone else to tell me,to reaffirm.

this is what i wanted.

 ..that im not getting bored, i don't want to get out of this.

this is what i want for life.

this is my life

this is what i want.

please, please tell me that.

--

i'm gonna go eat cake

ano ba. i was just about to fall asleep when i hear an angry knock on my door.

ryan.

"don is in max' room"

"okay.."

"what are we gonna do about it...?"

"well, she let him in... "

"she's naive, she doesn't know any better. "

"well, she let him in...she wouldn't have if she didn't like it, she knows what shes doing"

"but that's don and maxine. he's twice her age"

"but she let him in.. "

"yea! but she doesn't know better"

"what do you want me to do about it?"

"i don't know"

"can i sleep now and lock my door?"

If you can live up to the cheers and jeers tomorrow, why the hell not. I love her with all my heart but I think that she already knows what she's doing and therefore, if she wakes up one morning, naked with a man twice her age beside her, she knows it.

besides, isn't experience the best teacher?

all i know is that i'm tired of protecting her from someone she doesnt want protecting from.

been shooting. oi.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.. some sudden burst of emotion? no. not really.

well, maybe.

its been months since i had a good cry. a cry that washed away all my fears. i'm afraid i might just burst.

emotion-less once again, plus i cant stop thinking of the far future. like after this, after cebu.

or i might just be extremely nervous for a shoot. aaahh

 

there's nothing like drama in an art school.

i'm not even drunk, see.

...kagulo. its 4am.

were pulling out gear in about an hour, my mom is coming in 3.5 hours.

filmschool.

film school

drama

my mom and arend's here. i missed them. i blurted out not so long ago that i wanted to go home.

my mom sensed it immediately in my voice. "you want to come home with us?"

i wanted to say yes.