SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

in cebu... ate and the others just left. overwhelmed. let me just collect myself and my thoughts. i might just bawl all of a sudden.

 

later.

calmer. i have spent the entire day alone... there were a few outbursts of pent up emotions, i'm glad i let that all out. Funny how one song can make you EXTREMELY emotional. funny. plus it was embarassing that it came from a noon time show that was on tv. truly funny. ANYWAY, now that i have my head on straight, i can now think rationally.

yes, i am alone and yes, i already miss my family and my home. but you see.. it all boils down to one question really...

would i rather be in lasalle with the same old routine?

i guess not. so i shrug it off and deal with it. even though i am SCARED like HELL.

did i mention that? SCARED out of my wits end.

I have the IAFT cap right beside my laptop, where i can see it. So i can be reminded why i'm here. and that i want to be here.

day 2 completely alone. *sigh*

got. to. toughen. up.

 

chanced by this basketball game on tv. dlsu vs. feati. at least i have something to watch.

first day wasn't bad. although i can tell from the orientation and the first day that it won't be easy.

 

i already have a migrane

because i'm on my way to the top. 2 years from now, my name will top bill the hollywood blockbusters and indie's that will be touring all around the globe. I'll be known as the youngest and greatest D.P. of this and the next generation. people will kill to work with and for me because any movie i touch seemingly turns to gold.

 

sorry, i need to psych myself up. i can't start on my story.

after a week of school and seatworks and homeworks on all the movies our professors could get their hands on, i've realized that being in film is NOT GLAMOROUS AT ALL. as cliche as it may sound, this path that i've chosen really needs that fire burning inside that chest. you won't last if you don't have it.

good thing i do.

first real break from school. so far it's been easy breezy but at the same time draining? totally weird feeling but its all good. I mean, for the past week, i've watched a total of 10 shorts, 1.5 features, 2 tvcs and 1 mtv. And for all of those, we had to look at different things. Lighting for the 1st one, screen play for the other, and editing for the next. my eyes are tired, its crazy.. and it's not like they're healthy to begin with. give me the butt of a glass, i might as well see through there. anyway, i know there's much more and i know i should take advantage of this free time.. so i will eheheh  :D 

to be absolutely emotional and to make no sense at all. it's time to blame it on the hormones.

disclaimer: you all know how it goes. i shall not be held liable for whatever i say in here. i have total hormonal freedom. i will deny whatever it is i write in here if you bring it up against me.

ANYWAY, enough about ranting and raving about school. It's film school, no matter how much a cuss about it, i'm secretly in love with it. So what do i write in here? well, i just want to say that i'm still holding on to what my bestfriend told me a long long time ago, she told me that i need to find someone i like. not the other way around. i fucking agree.

argh. i can't seem to find interest in anyone anymore. not after my sg at least. or ssm (and his not so hot girlfriend, i take back what i said about his gf being hot-she's not) ANYWAY, yea, not since then. after that i've been.. yknow.. locked. funny. well, not so really.

i'm not WANTING to have feelings for anyone, please, distraction is the last thing i need. gawd,why the hell do i have to be fucking charming. HAHAHAHAHAHA. KIDDING! before you roll your eyes, i understand you've read the disclamer? hahaha but in all seriousness, i really really don't want to settle. besides, if this was something then i would've felt someTHING a long time ago. i didn't. and i dont think i will. It's my new friends here. they're super duper fun and i love hanging out with them, its just that it's like HS again? like they keep dropping hints about things they don't think i get? haaaay. i'm not stupid. don't get me wrong, its nothing offensive. i just hate it when they matchmake me to someone i'm not interested in. ugh. my back hurts.

don't get me wrong though, the attention is great! (how selfcentered that sentence sounded) okay, let me just get this out of the way. when i know someones interested in me, i push them away. i don't know why i do it, but i do. even if we were friends first. i don't know how to stop. i actually have a theory though, that might just work. i absolutely can not see it coming. it has to either sweep me off my feet or bonk me in the head.

went out yesterday. i really didn't feel like going out, but i did anyway. went to this supposedly happening place in the city, Vudu. Its okay. not a lot of people compared to what i'm used to. Anyway, all good. spent the last hour staring at the DJ.  haha oh, and enrico v. was there too. super weird. my throat hurts like hell still. lalala

whatelse... i wish that coffee shop in school would open already. hmmm, last night a couple of my girl classmates slept over cause they got locked out(long story) anyway, we didn't sleep right away of course, talked about stuff. stuff stuff.

i was thinking about rocky the other day too, totally not in a "i miss him" sort of way, it was more of a "he's a fine looking guy" way. hahaha

nike finals today, against feu. i wonder how that'll turn out.

i watched today. that was very good. congratulations.

RETRACTION: I don't wanna be DP anymore. or anything technical. give me a budget and i'll make you a movie.

well, i can't seem to get myself still for one second to get into my assignment reading due tomorrow... sooooo, i'm here. doing this.

ANYWAY, title very relevant and occuring. i don't want to call on it just yet because i actually like whats happening. let's see if we can do 2 in a row.

shut up, tyler hilton.

there.

 

He stood up and looked around the floor for his clothes thinking i wasn't awake. but i was. i just couldn't get myself to speak. he found his shirt under the chair, beside my slippers, i wish he hadn't looked there. he put it on, took one glance at the mirror, and then at me. i pretended to be asleep. i heard the door shut and seconds later, his footsteps down the hall, creaking on the newly waxed floor.

how did it come to this? i wonder.

it felt warm when we were sitting at the bench staring at the sunset. no talking. i've always considered that as a measure of any relationship. when you get to that point where silence is comfortable, you're good to go. he smiled at me and i remembered feeling all set. i didn't need anything else.

silence. that was our strength. i didn't need to say anything, he knew.. and i knew.

silence, our downfall. one look, and that same smile. no words, with someone else.

its a shame i had to let go of that security.

i get out of bed and tidy up.

i head to the bench again, sitting right where i sat before. security wasn't there.

only silence and warmth.

so that story there. my first draft. good gawd, i don't believe that much cheese came out of my cranium. anyway, i hope it works. it has such a deep message of getting over someone blahblahblah.

 

blah

i never thought id run out of creative juice. i need to stop and reset. it's only been 2 weeks. i can run this low all the time.. oi

the first project and i settle already. should i follow what jeff wants? or take a risk? damn.

i was bored. but i shouldn't be- you know the routine. ANYWAY, i decided to re-visit an ex-flame's site. hahaha i felt so giddy and silly. ahiihihiihihihi it was so funny because it's been like 2 years since i last had this thing for him. anyway... uhhh yea.. wala lang. i just remembered having this humongo crush on him and seeing all of the pictures again made me remember... well, everything. funny funny feeling.

ANYWAY, to sum up my day here's a conversation with a close friend of mine:

Bubi (6/16/2007 8:37:26 PM): well i'm kind of fighting demons right now because i want my first ever movie to be what i want it to be, gets? as in, gusto ko galing sakin talaga; hence, my drama story. but when i showed it to my prof he turned it into a comedy. so my issue is that if i follow what he wants would that be settling already this early in the game?
Bubi (6/16/2007 8:37:40 PM): ayun. thats what i've been stressing out on since the other day.
raf (6/16/2007 8:38:52 PM): hehe, ano ba, ur just starting, maybe he wants to control u guys first so that mapilitan kayo!
raf (6/16/2007 8:39:03 PM): ganun din sa psid no!, i want my own design
raf (6/16/2007 8:39:08 PM): but they won't let me
raf (6/16/2007 8:39:11 PM): so im like, argh.
Bubi (6/16/2007 8:39:41 PM): pero alam mo yun.. its not a requirement to make it a comedy. we were given creative freedom.. its just that i took on his idea and now i feel that whatever is the outcome of it, its not mine
Bubi (6/16/2007 8:40:14 PM): and its the first project ever
Bubi (6/16/2007 8:40:36 PM): parang its more of a moral dilemma than anything. i'm having arguments with myself.. if that makes sense at all.

 

THAT. Ugh.. i still don't have an answer btw. Its times like these that i wish i could be in Manila to get out of the house and sit a strabucks to think. then again, if i was in Manila, i wouldn't be thinking about screenplays and such. unfortunately, the friendster horoscope is not working. oh who will i turn to now?

hahaha

 

I still have it in my head by the way, what Malin said on my last weekend out. I was too picky... and she was right. she is right. i am.

I screen everyone. even before it starts. I look for my "white knight" and until i find him - no one is good enough. shit.

yeayea, it may be the best way to preserve myself and my interest. but DAMN IT, damn it to hell! although it is a good way to screen the uhhh not so attractive guys, yea? but ugh. i'm getting tired of it.

is my decision to refuse to settle a smart move? I certainly don't want to settle for second best.

I just hope i don't look like complete bitch just because i know what i want.

not to brag or anything. jeff absolutely loved my script. or well, his script. i just need to tweak a few things here and there. its totally weird. he said and i quote, "now THIS is a MOS" and no one said comments afterwards. hmmmm... plus, i saw ian in all his wonder today. this is looking to be a good week

yay yay yay yay! mom allowed me to go home on the 28th. YAY. i didn't think i'd miss manila this much. but yea, i'll be home for like 4 days. and then when i get back its SHOOTING TIME!

i just need to take baby steps you know? i knew it was kinda ambitious to stay here for 3 months straight- right away. at some point i was gonna get homesick. and i am. not so much for my home home.. just manila. yaaaaaay.

can't wait to STOP and RESET!!!

 

 

*i'm also watching Miami Ink right now. I LOVE YOJI! anyway, they have somehow influenced me to get a tattoo... i mean, i'm not gonna get one. but it's up there in my head ;p

let me explain today....

on my way to school ian steps out of the front lobby in all his gym-sweat-get-up-wonder. it is fucking crazy. i would have just settled for that really but in editing class, we viewed his tape. THE tape that was made into a movie and sent to this competition. after a couple more hours, HE STEPS IN THE LAB AND HANGS AROUND MY ROW... and, according to maxine, was looking at my monitor. not the most perfect timing because right that very  minute, i was bonking my head into the monitor. ofcoursenot. but you get what i mean. GOODGRACIOUS.

after that, went to the mall to get my nails done and watched wizard of oz when we got back to school.

 

ay caramba

so i'm preparing for my mos right? right. so i needed something to make my actress totally weep and a bunch of my friends suggested Vicks Vapor rub under the eyes. "would totally totally work", they said. so i bought. and trying to be a good producer, i tried it on myself. GAWDDAMNIT. i was temporarily blind. its as if my eyes weren't already dysfunctional on a normal day. i just HAD to force them to cry. although, i DID cry.. but damn did my eyes feel cold.

I hope my actress can cry on cue.

So BUBI isn't only a tribe/people in new guinea... It also means LITLLE BOY in German. truly funny.

written a few hours back:

"here in school watching the love of my life look for the love of HIS life. Tragic really. My life. It’s like a movie its ironic and its not so funny. ALSO, I just found someone who is scared of me. Its funny once again, and not so at the same time
 Totally abnormal.  THIS JUST IN: the love of MY life found HIS… my absolutely  hot editing teacher. I totally concede, they’re going out to lunch..  " 

 

today was a very very interesting day. not only did we go around the city, but today i felt open. like i had nothing to lose. well, i mean i don't really.. its just totally weird. i have let some new friends know me inside and out.

it feels good.

i was watching a re-run of the tonight show where john mayer was guest... this was right after the break up with jessica simpson, i think... anyway, i have never been so attracted to him before. he's crazy sexy. like he got thinner, and i dunno! i got chills watching him perform. and its not like i haven't seen that show before! ive seen it at least three times already... why do i get so drawn to him just now? hahhahah anyway, his new i'm-fine-without-jessica-brooding look is driving my hormones insane.

check this out, a paragraph from "i'm not that girl" from wicked.

 

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl..

 

oh, that and ian and fiorella are officially going out i think. and you know i'm okay with it? because i genuinely like fiorella. they actually look cute together.

shoot today. 5 hours of moving around, lugging things around, etc. that is why my body is completely tired but i couldn't sleep because my mind si fucking crazy- thinking of everything when i need to sleep. ergh.

going home tomorrow