SUNKISSED BRONZED PERFECTION

New years was SUPERB. My holidays was so much fun. it was really nice to spend the holidays with the relatives. i loved it. Im expecting a lot from this year. after what i've been through last year. ... i'm entitled to expect a lot.

I read a break up piece from one of my sisters friends. it was long. nice, but long. anyway, im here staying home on a school day. i had this wicked headache last night i couldn't get up a while ago... yeah. hahaha. no, for real.. not kidding. hahaah so yea, i was thinking about the idea of 'comfort zone' for almost 2 days now. i left my comfort zone... should i be proud of that? i think i should. i feel so unsafe and for me to refuse to go back to what im used to is something unusual. TBC....

oh geeze. i so have a lot of things on my mind... i don't know what to write about... i'm at a loss for words but my brain just keeps on buzzing....

so i just found out the ateneo results will be out on saturday. this saturday!!! how can that be though? i mean, their deadline for me was 1/7..... are they serious? anyway, i won't get in so what the fuck am i worrying about?

thats one thing off my mind...

where is my layout?! where the fuck is my beautiful layout?! this wreaks.... i don't like this. everything's changing. the friendster layout blows, i still have a month and a half to worry about ateneo and now this!! what the fuck happened.

i guess this layout'll do. its like i've got a choice. actually, i do... but yknow.. too lazy..hahaha
ANYWAY, i can't wait to get back home. like, when i get home, im gonna buy me a chihuahua and the newest phone there is out there... and the money left over i'm gonna spend on clothes or shit for college. (assuming i have a college)... i find myself incessantly thinking about home. my friends, the parties, my freedom, everything. and i just wonder.... if i'll go back to the same things i left..... and i wonder too, that if i stop thinking about the future, will i actually get to enjoy the present?...
i have this weird feeling in my legs. it's like they won't walk. or move for that matter.

i miss my friends, but do i want to miss them? i feel like their relationship has changed. its like, its not them anymore, like they've turned into 2 separate groups that loathe each other or something. i feel like i'm left out. (technically i am, but you know what i mean)

i feel like my time is up, the angry bitter bitch inside of me has been waiting too long, she lent me to happiness for too too long.

should i be taking back what i said the other day? that i was officially happy? i think i said that too soon, didn't i... i knew it, it was too good to be true.

i can't believe i fell for it again. for the nth time. that little piece of pathetic bait was chewed up to pieces almost instantly - by me. how sad is that? you'd think i'd already learned my lesson. you'd think that, right? WRONG! I KNEW it. i just knew it. i knew that i couldn't be REALLY happy.

its like they just let me feel it, cause i'm such a loser that doesn't know how it feels. i should've known from the start...

back to square 1.

can someone just kill me now please???

yes yes, i have given in. but you know what? it actually is interesting.. and addicting might i add. so anyway, yea... back to newport county, rhode island that is. (i suck i know shut up) i just found that there is a possibility that i'll be coming home for winter break.
Dad got this award thing and i think the whole family has to be there.. for yknow.. moral support or that kind of shit. it'll be a nice vacation for me though, to go back and check on my friends.. assuming i have any left. but yea.. its just a possibility-it might not happen. i mean, dad will still have to accept the award so it might just be him and mom and leave us 3 here. cause i sort of want to go but not really?

you getting this? so anyway, if we all go back, tyce said she'll be tempted to stay there.. which i think she will do once we're there and let me tell you i cannot... absolutely CANNOT have that.

for crying out loud, she helps keep me sane out here. i'm telling you, if she stays and i have to leave... it will be like the first few months again. and i can't have that anymore. or i can't have that AGAIN.

honestly? i think God thinks i belong here.
1) honors
2) that scholarship nomination
3) i found closure here
4) life is way easier here
5) there's this mening-blahblah epidemic in Baguio- which obviously changes my mind about going back.

don't get me wrong, its not that i don't appreciate it, i do.. so much infact. i just don't know why...

i just realized something. if God really is serious about all these signs.. won't he be not letting me get accepted in Ateneo?

great.. just great

i think its time to say hello to my old friend, tequila rose.

though i'm hopeful, yes i am
hopeful but too late
take this music and use it
let it take you away
and be hopeful
hopeful
and he'll find a way
i know it ain't easy
but its okay cause
we hopeful...

midyears... its alright. nothing exciting, nothing life changing...waiting for the results of my apps even though i know i still have like 2 months ahead of me. .. i'm not sure i wanna go home now. and i'm not so sure i wanna stay either...

theres at least 3 feet of snow out there, and its still pouring... too bad its sunday... i hope it goes on until tomorrow morning so we don't have to go to school. nothing would be better than a wonderful snowday on a monday... anyway, i've been cranky lately. i dunno why, if its the time of month, or i'm just being a bitch for no apparent reason. no apparent reason meaning that something fun happened back home and i wasn't there to exprerience it. also, no apparent reason meaning that someone stole MY idea for a wicked ass party. fuck it... UGH!!!!
(no one would be hearing party tips from me no more!)

well, i was right. snowday today. hmmmmmmmm... bought me more time to study, anyway chaos at the cortez household once again. what can i say? nothing really. just that i'm sick of it cause its bullshit

i love that song. sunday morning. i love it. no matter how many times they play it on the radio, i will still sing to it at the top of my lungs. not only does it bring back PF memories, but the lyrics just.. i dunno... mean a lot.

so kill me. my heart still stays with one tree hill. what can i say? i love the drama the goes with it. plus i like nathan. haha well, so sem 2 starts tomorrow and i have like 3 new classes. i'm scared... honestly... like i was first day of school. i wonder when i'll be able to be that girl i think i should be...
ive been playing it in my mind since forever. i keep on telling myself to suck it up and face it but when i finally have it in front of me, i go back to the old me... i crawl back to my shell and no matter how i try, its the same thing over and over again. i don't want to regret anything anymore...i'm tired of it.

i've just spent the last hour revisiting my past blogs. even the ones from xanga. i couldn't help but tear up when i saw my pre-rhode entries. i remembered feeling sick to my stomach, i felt that my heart was in 100000 different places at the same time, i felt that i was being cheated, i felt like i would rather die.

but of course, that was then. this is now. so yea... it was nice to look back to what i've been writing in this. it was nice to re-read it all. reminded me of where i came from and what i promised myself i wanted to be.

i feel weak right about now..

well would you look at that. i have just poured out my inner most soul and i press one button and it deleted all of it. hows that for a shove in my self-esteem. (i take that as a sign by the way, God.)

so, i guess what i said in that other one, i tried to write but i couldn't. writers block in a chocolate covered nutshell. and theres also this feeling of weirdness around me. im happy, i'm fine and complete but it doesn't show. its like it doesn't apply in my life. or it doens't want to apply in my life.

please tell me i'm not living a lie.

sucks to be me right about now.

so today wasn't a very good day... i was so tired and pissed about my fucked up sched and then, i was presented an opportunity to team up with rocky which i completely dissed. hahah i dunno.. if i was in a good mood i'd jump to it right away but i wasn't feeling it. actually i haven't been feeling it lately. i'm just like letting life pass me by. but anyway though, i told myself that if their group still has an opening, id go for it. good thing stephanie's there. well, now that i think about it, i think he has the hots for stephanie. which is totally okay cause i just want to get that psych fair shit over and i'm not really into him anymore. not that i ever was. and if they already have that one spot filled, i guess... well.. im gonna have to team up with someone else then.
that and he's in my gym too. whatever.

so my mom picked me up right? and she was like, its anthony's bday and ashley invited you for this surprise party thing.. and i was like, "wow.. a party" and i came home and saw the invitation. i don't feel like going.. but i probably will. but i dunno.. i really REALLY don't feel like it. if a twist of fate happens then maybe they'll see me there.. but as of right now, id rather be counted out.